SASSY YOGA TEACHER

Finally Learning to Meditate

BEGINNING THE JOURNEY

Last fall I began an eight-month yoga teacher training program. By the end of my first three-day weekend of sitting on the floor and doing yoga each day with mostly young and a few middle-aged students and teachers, it dawned on me that I am an OLD woman. I could get through the first day fairly well but went home overwhelmed and in a state of exhaustion. The second day was harder and by the third day I was hanging on by my fingernails. 

Denial about my passage from middle age into old age ended. I finally had to admit that the 78 year-old body of a woman who has spent 14 years at a desk lacks strength and resilience. As much as I wanted to be like the others, I was not. My confidence took a huge hit.

I reviewed the requirements for certification: attendance at 160 of the 200 hours of class; 20 hours of observations or assistant teaching; 30 recorded personal one-hour practice sessions; monthly homework of readings, content reviews, anatomy and other assignments; designing, researching and submitting a Diverse Audiences project; passing a content exam; and passing a teaching exam. Had I not paid for the program upfront, I might have quit. 

With a sigh of exasperation, I acknowledged that instead of this program helping me write the Maiden Migrations book as I had hoped, it would replace it. To face these daunting requirements, each month I created a weekly plan moving me forward on all requirements.

As the January content exam on philosophy/ethics, anatomy/physiology, and teaching methods exam loomed, I was freaking out. I asked a young friend who is an honors student in vascular technology how she studies. She said that she figures out what each teacher wants and then continually quizzes herself. 

“How do you do that?” I asked. “Flash cards. I make flash cards and then during our workouts at the gym one of my study mates and I take turns on the machines while the other person quizzes us.” 

I made and studied flash cards and, thanks to Kathleen, I passed with an 89 out of a 100. (70 was passing.) One criterion met!

Warrior Two Pose

SET UP FOR FAILURE

On completion of the content exam, the focus of weekends shifted to our teaching. Those of you who remember my charismatic lectures as a young woman or my moving personal growth workshops during middle age, would never have recognized the high-pitched squeaky voice in which I gave yoga pose cues. I was confused and devastated.

Years ago when I first went to India, I (and most of the other American staff), suffered three months of what we called “methods amnesia”. The unfamiliarity of the language, culture, and living conditions seemed to erase knowledge that we had taken for granted. Now I understand that a part of that was a total loss of self confidence. 

Midway through the program I acquired hearing aids and was feeling pretty vulnerable when we were shown a Ted Talk about how people learn more from failure than they do from success. Oh, great! 

In February we were put into two situations setting us up for failure. Having had a lecture on how to do asana/pose demonstrations, we were given ten minutes to prepare a demonstration. The object of this seemed to be that the critiquing instructor could then tell us everything we did wrong. Okey, fine. However, at the end of telling my group everything I had gotten wrong, she said, “But LiDoña has this sweetness that just makes you want to do whatever she says.” What?!!!

Later we were given ten minutes to prepare a fifteen-minute yoga sequence with some focus. I decided to focus on the three fundamentals: Grounding, Relax the Upper Palate, Full Commitment Exhale. My small group was sent to the lobby to teach. THE LOBBY! Ok, somehow I must grab my classmates’ attention so they can ignore people coming and going? Squeaky voice and all, I did alright on my first pose. Nevertheless it was followed with criticism of a better way to give the cues.

As I started into my second pose, the critiquing teacher interrupted me a second time with her idea of different language I could use. I lost my focus but somehow fumbled through the second pose. As I began my third pose, the instructor interrupted me AGAIN with different language to use. When she said, “Now go ahead …” something inside me snapped. I could feel tears welling up and looking inward I saw a large black rectangle appear in my solar plexus.

“I’m done.” I said and went to a bench to sit down. “O come on …” “No. I’m done.”

In the critique that followed this instructor spoke about my sweetness. Now that is not a term that anyone who knows me would ever use. In fact, one friend once said, “LiDoña has bad ass goddess energy that you don’t want to mess with.” Through tears, I said, “I had a plan. I was trying to follow my plan but you kept interrupting me.” She apologized but that did not remove the sting of disrespect I had experienced. I felt as though I was being seen and treated as a SWEET OLD LADY. Anger began to bubble.

That night I sent an email to the three instructors asking that they not use the term sweetness in future critiques. If they had nothing positive to say, then say nothing at all. Next day I spoke with the one who had interrupted me and told her, “You may interrupt me once, but no more than that.”

Child's Pose

TAKING CHARGE

Somehow I made it through the rest of that February weekend. But the disrespect I had felt led me to see that I had to take charge of my own teaching journey. So I made flashcards with the poses and appropriate cues for each and I asked some friends to let me practice on them. After the first friend session, even before she gave me written feedback, I analyzed why it went so well. 

• I was in my own home where I am comfortable.
• I had control of the space.
• I knew what my friend needed and designed a sequence to meet those needs.

At this same time I began attending a Yoga Nidra class - 30 minutes of gentle yoga followed by 30 minutes of guided meditation in which one sets an intention (Sankalpa). My intention was “I am a confident and competent Yoga teacher.” I followed this up by attending a Yoga Nidra Teacher Training workshop in which I decided that is the type of yoga I want to teach.

I did two more friend sessions and continued to reflect on the difference between teaching them and the practices we were doing with our classmates. A big factor was that when teaching friends I was not performing, I was focused on what they needed. I began thinking about what my fellow classmates needed. 

Many classmates have anxiety and all of us get up-tight when we have to teach each other. I knew from Shiatsu that this shows up as tension in neck and shoulders. My Shiatsu experience had given me some techniques for getting this area to relax. I decided that in my next practice sessions with classmates I would integrate this Shiatsu knowledge into a pre-yoga practice called Towel Work.

I reflected on how our instructors kept telling us that our task is “to hold space” for our students. Yet they were always throwing us into chaotic spaces that made it difficult to ‘hold space’. So I figured out optimal space arrangements for three practice groups in each of the two rooms that we used. 

In the March weekend, I insisted on optimal space arrangements. I focused on meeting the needs of my classmates, teaching a sequence of poses that would relax their neck and shoulders and down-regulate all of their hyper energy. Clear about what I was doing and why, my voice regained its naturally lyrical quality. My classmates (and instructors) seemed a bit stunned by a transformation that was obvious in my teaching. 

Bridge Pose

SELF CARE

One yoga teaching principle that I struggled to figure out was self-care - taking care of yourself so you do not harm yourself while teaching others. I bought a calming essential oil and a bracelet to put this on and used this before each teaching session in March, but it didn’t feel right. 

As the April weekend approached, we were given a heads-up (Thank You!) on what we would be teaching for the weekend. I prepared a 20-minute sequence that would simulate our final teaching exam. In searching for a theme, I remembered Progoff entrance meditations that I use when teaching journal writing. I realized that Letting the Self Become Still not only helps me relax and go inward but it helps hearers slow down their breathing. In choosing that for my theme I finally had a bridge between teaching personal growth workshops and teaching yoga.

That 20-minute down-regulating sequence incorporating the entrance meditation and shoulder work in a carefully orchestrated space met the needs of my classmates and was the best I had done. As far as I was concerned I was ready to pass the final teaching exam. I requested to go on the first day of exams in May so I would have adequate energy to teach a 30-minute sequence.

Goddess Warrior

SELF-ADVOCATE

When the schedule for our exams was posted before the May weekend, I was shocked to see that I was the LAST person on the first day. In requesting to go early I had explained my energy depletion to the lead instructor. In addition the arthritis in my right hip had added inconvenience. I did not know if I could physically make it to the end of the first day.

Humility in hand, I explained my situation to the second person on the schedule and asked if she would switch with me. Fortunately she agreed. On the day before the exam, rather than bone up on cues, I went for a massage and then stayed in that relaxed state of being. At the beginning of exams, the lead instructor told us that as long as we got up and taught for 30 minutes we pass the exam. We would receive written feedback on how we did and how to improve. I got good reviews and several suggestions for how to improve. Sigh of relief. Final criterion checked off the list! 

Once my exam was over, I began to reflect on my eight-month journey. Slowly I began to understand the black rectangle that had appeared in my solar plexus when I felt so disrespected in February. This is the body region associated with the third chakra - the power center. This center has to do with healthy boundaries, identity, self-confidence, self-worth, and personal power. It is related to the element fire. LiDoña means Fire Woman.

My sense of self and personal power had been diminished by my relationship to aging and by being violated in my teaching. The black rectangle represented an open doorway through which I had to pass to reclaim my self-confidence. I spent the last four months of the program becoming a self-advocate, facilitating optimal teaching space not just for myself but for others. I found my own inner resources and incorporated them into yoga. For the final exam I requested a time slot that could accommodate my aging body. 

I have created a new identity. I may be an old woman, but I am not a sweet old lady. Fire Woman is a Sassy Yoga Teacher.

Hunting Dog Pose

Bodhisattva Katrin

Bodhisattva image from March blog.

Last month I posted an image of a Bodhisattva I had created. My Australian friend (and self-declared sister), Katrin Ogilvy was quite taken with it, as she identifies as one who is on a path toward enlightenment. In dialogue, I suggested that I would like to make one that is specifically for her. I began to imagine what it might look like for the Bodhisattva statue to be on a map of Asia with the continent of Australia as her base.

I used the draft copy on the left, cutting out the figure. 

I asked Katrin to send me a photograph of herself. When I received the photo below, it seemed to me that it was already a picture of a Bodhisattva but that Katrin needed to recognize that in herself. I altered my initial image. I cut out the figure on the left map, placing the cutout on a pinkish-lavender matte board and pieces of the map at the edges of the matte board rather than as part of the central image. I glued everything onto the cutout, covering all of it except her orange earrings. 

Katrin exudes compassion and peace, the
qualities of a Bodhisattva. 

I decided immediately to use the pink of her sweater for some of the drape on the Bodhisattva statue that had captivated her. But I felt she needed more from the photograph for her to actually recognize her own Bodhisattva image. So I added the Irises from her garden. At one point I tried adding the bricks behind her image but it was too much. Instead I used slices from a photo of Vietnamese women setting lights out on the water. At one point I had considered using one of the lights in her headdress.

The only part of the draft copy on the right to make it into
the composition were some islands I used for her necklace.

Knowing Katrin’s global mindset, I considered placing the word ‘world’ at her feet but words did not seem appropriate, so instead I placed a golden half-sphere as the foundation for her image.  I also used gold foil for her headdress and her power symbol. One time-consuming activity was adjusting the size of the photo she sent in order to put her face on the statue. 

I honor and respect Bodhisattva Katrin.

Enjoying Leftovers

Some people enjoy leftovers from a good meal even more than the original repast. They say the seasonings and flavors come into full bloom when the food has set for a while.

In anticipation of exhibiting Part I of Eve's Imprint in 2018 or 2019, I have been focused on keeping the two and three-dimensional pieces of the installation together. Yet when I made the collage pieces for the Southwest Asia section of Maiden Migrations I had lots of leftovers: maps, copies of cave art, and variously sized photocopies of artifacts from the region. Recently it occurred to me that maybe some of these leftovers could be used for small ‘souvenir pieces‘ that some viewers might like to buy. So I pulled out the folder of left over pieces and started to play around. Below are the first six mementos to be finished. Another seven are in various stages of completion.

Indian Subcontinent

This collage uses pieces from four or five different maps that included India. As one of the first continents to be reached by migrants from East Africa, India began appearing on maps created much later by and for trade purposes. For this reason the subcontinent’s shape is generally recognized even by those who have little geographic education. I personally find it a very pleasing shape.

LiDoña Wagner, I Love India, Three Piece Collage
8" x 6" x 1" with 7" x 5" and 4" x 4" panels

Elephant Steed

It is common knowledge that elephants are some of the planet’s most sensitive and family-oriented animals. Ancient Indian people were also impressed by this animal’s strength and power. They learned how to ride and maneuver these large animals, making them ideal as a steed for hunting and defense.

LiDoña Wagner, Elephant Steed, Five-sided Collage 6" x 4" x 1" 

Elephant Hunt

I love this cave art depicting humans in some sort of battle. I have paired it with some fascinating cave art depictions of bulls. Having slaughtered many of these impressive animals, you can see that ancient Indians were interested in depicting the bony structure they found.

LiDoña Wagner, Elephant Hunt, Collage 10" x 10" x 2"

Indian Maidens Unafraid of Bulls

Speaking of bulls, here is another cave art depiction, this time with women who are by no means threatened by such huge animals. This image might be seen as a representation of equal masculine and feminine power.

LiDoña Wagner, Unafraid Indian Maidens, 
Five-sided Collage 4" x 6" x 1"

Bodhisattva 

Bodhisattva statues are found throughout India, China, as well as Northeast and Southeast Asia. While the bodhisattva concept is central to Buddhism, especially for Mahayana and Vajrayana schools, it has come into contemporary times as representative of an individual on the path to becoming a Buddha, one who is enlightened.

As a trading crossroads for thousands of years, India is both an eclectic mixture of religious and spiritual traditions and a synthesizer of many that passed through the area. Greek mythology and Zoroastrianism arrived from the west. Taoism and Confucianism came through from the east. Hinduism, Jainism, and Buddhism arose in the subcontinent itself. At the height of its power Islam made inroads.

LiDoña Wagner, Bodhisattva, Collage 12" x 9" x 1"
mounted with two 4" x 4" panels

Dance Celebration

Although much of the background of this cave art image has faded, the central vision of two dancers beneath a rainbow arch has survived. These central characters appear to me to be surrounded by other dancers so I brought out such figures. Someone from the subcontinent would probably be able to indicate what sort of celebration is being conducted. 

LiDoña Wagner,  Dance Celebration, 
Five-sided Collage 4" x 4" x 2"

Mea Culpa

Cave art, artifacts and statues depicted in these pieces are thousands of years old so I assume the images I have used belong in the public realm. I found most of them on Google Images and in art history and cartography books. Of course a more contemporary person took photos of this ancient art. To those who may accuse me of cultural appropriation or plagiarism, please know that my intent is to show respect for a significant artistic tradition and a part of the world that has had major global impact.

I am grateful to the individuals who made the photographs I have used. I hope that these photographers are not offended by my using their photos in the same way that I would use paint. I have altered them in a variety of ways such as enlargement, embellishment, multiplication, and combining of images. If anyone recognizes one of their photos and would like to receive credit, please contact me and I will do so.

Mediterranean Beginnings

I am using the same sketchbook for the Mediterranean region
of Eve's Imprint as I used for the environmental banner I
painted during my month-long residency in Assisi, Italy in 2014.
The back of the sketchbook (left) is covered with copies of the cover of
Catherine McKinley's book Indigo, about a color typical of this region.
The pink sticker marks where my current work begins.

Following up on a dream in mid-January, I made a quick sketch for
the Mediterranean region, barely discernible in my sketchbook below.
 I made three Mediterranean goddess tiles around 2000; reflecting
how the Eve concept is an evolving life's work. They may end up in a
vertical column along the side of the four boards rather than in the middle.

Our ancestor Ursula, center bottom highlighted in orange, migrated
into the region of contemporary Greece 45,000 years ago. The description
of her life by archeologist Bryan Sykes will be a helpful guide in choosing
how to depict the northern coast of the Mediterranean Sea.
From Sykes's book, The Seven Daughters of Eve. 

I usually start with maps of the selected region because I like
to use geographic features in the overall composition.

Next I blow up the maps to fit the boards I have chosen. In this
case it turns out that I blew up a different map for the west and east coasts
of the Mediterranean Sea than I had for the north and south coasts.

Bottom left, scarabs remind me of Greek, Syro-Phoenician, and
Egyptian influences throughout the region. The bottom right map shows
Minoan and Mycenaean trade routes throughout the Mediterranean Sea.
Tunisian ceramics reflect the colors and painting style of the region. 

The images in this spread show Tuscan influences from around 600 AD.
Though quite a bit later than the first migrations into the region 45,000 years ago,
designs or color may find their way into this work.. 

Here I have traced geographic features for the
northern and southern coasts onto their chosen boards.

This spread, especially ancient rock engravings on the right, helps me visualize
influences from and to North Africa (southern coast of the Mediterranean Sea).

From the northeastern coast of the Mediterranean Sea,
Greek architectural influence was felt throughout the region.
Note iconic Greek pillars in the North Africa photo above.

The tracing for the board on the right (eastern coast) has not been
done because I have not yet applied gesso to it.

Although this small vase was made in Thailand, the color
and pattern on the bottom are a source of inspiration for
the Mediterranean section of Eve's Imprint.
It will be interesting to see the impact of these varied images
as the Mediterranean region begins to take shape.

Creative Errors

One day a weaver, distracted by sorrow over the death of her child, unknowingly let the shuttle slip, leaving a slight aberration in the cloth. Later a foreman inspecting the cloth saw this tiny flaw in the weave. He took a photograph, blew it up, and made a flag that aggrandized the flaw. Every day, he walked past the weaver waving this flag and taunting her. After a while the weaver left his shop. She found a new place of work with a woman overseer.

Days and weeks and months and then years rolled by until her sorrow no longer overwhelmed her. But she had not forgotten why she left the former shop. How could she forget? The flag with her aggrandized error was emblazoned in her memory.

One day she went to the overseer and said, “I know a way that we could put a sort of pattern in the cloth we weave that would make our product quite distinctive.” She demonstrated how by dropping the shuttle ever twenty threads, the cloth took on a sort of glow from the repeated ‘flaws’ made by the weaver. The woman overseer was thrilled with the sample she was shown and asked the weaver to train all the weavers so they could make this very distinctive cloth. Over time the material woven in that shop became prized for its unusual luster.

Meanwhile the originally flawed cloth made its way into the world and a dressmaker bought it. When she examined the cloth, she found the flaw. This did not bother her for she was a very good dressmaker and she saw immediately that she could make of it a pleated skirt that would hide the flaw beneath a fold of cloth. The whole piece of material was truly beautiful and she was proud of the skirt she made.

The pleated skirt was purchased by a woman in midlife who had some knowledge both of weaving and of the ups and downs of life. One day as her hands smoothed the beautiful cloth a finger felt the tiny flaw. She smiled and began to sing. “Now I know the weaver who made this cloth! Like me, she has known sorrow and how it seeps into one’s soul. From now on, whenever I feel this tiny alteration in the cloth, I will celebrate this woman whose life I share.”

Years passed and the owner of the pleated skirt died. Her family came and in sorrow packed away her clothes and took them to a resale store. One day an artist entered the shop, looking for something interesting. She found the pleated skirt because the beauty of the material caught her eye. Examining the skirt, her gaze fell upon a shiny place hidden beneath a fold. Indeed, the former owner had rubbed the ‘flaw’ so often during her long life that the texture of the cloth had softened in that particular spot.

As she paid for the skirt, a smile came to the artist’s face. She whispered to herself. “Ah, the shiny area is the bindu. This is the tiny place from which my new creation will be made. This will be the center of a massive flower whose beauty will rock the viewer. Starting from the shiny spot, the folds and creases I make in this extraordinary cloth will catch the light in special ways. How lucky I am to have found this amazing cloth. I wonder who the weaver was. She must have been a sensitive woman to have woven such exquisite material.”

Travel and textile book by Karen Beck and Joshua Hirschstein.

Playing in Northern Spain

Using materials I collected in our travels, I made this accordion collage
to capture some of the playful and delightful moments that Karen and I shared.

Outside the Guggenheim, Jeff Koons' Puppy
and Tulips are inviting sculptures and the surrounding
older architecture is charming.

Inside the Guggenheim, Richard Serra's iron sculptures
create a monumental labyrinth that covers the first floor.

Burgos is a livable city full of surprises such as the Book Museum,
the riverside promenade, outdoor restaurants, and the cathedral.

The beauty of the Bay of Biscay is
matched with excellent cuisine.

In Bilbao we used the tram system that follows the river
and takes you from Old Town to all sorts of interesting places.

The Bertiz Cafe was our Bilbao hangout. I've made
the flyer into a pocket to hold maps and our trip agenda.

Day or night, Frank Gehry's architecture
is one of the wonders of the world.

Since Europeans no longer use their medieval churches
they have figured out how to make them into spectacular museums.

The Basque Museum in Bilbao features both
pre-Christian symbols and a former monastery.

The Belles Artes Museum in Bilbao is a great
place to see contemporary Spanish art.

Because of the former importance of the cathedral of
Burgos, the Burgos Museum holds beautiful medieval art.

I have dedicated this image from the Bosque Museum in Bilbao
to Angeles Arrien who was proud of her Bosque sheep herding heritage.

Some of the materials we collected were too beautiful to cut up
so I glued them to the back side of my Spanish collage.